außerweltlichkeit

...und nun sitze ich also hier, nach einem weiteren tag, an meinem schreibtisch, rauchend, und tippe diesen text, ohne überhaupt zu wissen, was ich schreiben soll oder will. ich habe nun fast für ein ganzes jahr meine tätigkeit an diesem blog unterbrochen. vielleicht weil ich nichts zu sagen hatte? nein. vielleicht einfach, weil zu vieles geschehen ist, und ich zu sehr damit beschäftigt war, mich selbst neu zu definieren. ich möchte auf die einzelheiten gar nicht weiter eingehen, ich möchte, dass dieser blog (weiterhin) wie ein gedicht außerhalb von raum und zeit existiert, nur meine gedankenwelt erfasst.
ob ich es schaffen werde, das schreiben konsequent fortzusetzen? ich weiß es nicht, kann es nicht versprechen. was ich sagen kann, ist, dass ich es irgendwie mag, mich abends an meinen pc zu setzen und zu beobachten, wie vor meinen augen langsam ein text entsteht. diese momente der stille und (selbst)reflexion sind sehr wertvoll. und ja - vielleicht bereite ich sogar dem einen oder anderen eine kleine freude damit, schaffe auch für andere einen moment der ruhe und der außerweltlichkeit.

se il sole muore

se il sole muore
e la luna piange
cosa rimane
in un mondo senza luce?

può bastare all'uomo l'esistenza?

fino a poco fa non ho ben capito perché la domanda riguardo al senso della vita tocca l'uomo in modo così profondo, perché è inevitabile porsela. ora l'ho capito. ho sempre sentito in me un'irrequietezza indefinita, una tensione a qualcosa di sconosciuto a me, e ho formulato mille teorie su quale potrebbe essere il senso di tutto questo. ma non ho sentito la domanda dentro. erano infantili giochi di pensiero.
fino a quando, ad un certo punto, non ho potuto evitare di imbattermi in mille incongruenze e ammettere che in tutto questo tempo non ho neanche capito una cosa, e più che mai mi sono sentita disorientata.
non possiamo vivere senza capire, ma nemmeno vivendo possiamo minimamente capire.
continuiamo a cercare la felicità senza capire che non possiamo raggiungerla, se non una felicità malinconica, consapevole del dolore che sempre ci sarà e mai cesserà.
se è vero che l'infelicità è dell'uomo, devo ammettere che si ribalta tutta l'immagine che mi ero fatta dell'universo, di questo mondo, dell'uomo e di me stessa.
ogni cosa mi sembra sempre più vana e fugace.
è difficile accettare una cosa che non vuol essere accettata, ma forse è vero: dobbiamo metterci l'anima in pace e accettare la profonda tristezza che è in noi, accettare quella parte che, con la consapevolezza, per forza si spezza.

tra il già e il non ancora

vaghiamo tra il già
e il non ancora
cercando di definire
l'esistente
aspettando il futuro
non capendo.
di stabile c'è solo
il peso del passato
non possiamo avanzare
siamo nani con giganti sulle spalle.
puoi solo sperare di cadere
per poterti liberare
ed arrivare al presente
ma la fiacchezza rimarrà.

a little sad

i would like to be at home right now. if i'd know where i'm at home...
i would like so much to feel at home... no matter where, no matter with who.
but i'm not
i don't.
where do i belong? let's blow out all the candles and forget about everything for a while...
i'm tired of thinking, of being where i am and not being able to be happy with what i have right now... i don't want this feelings anymore, i wish i could accept life the way it is...

i guess i have to handle with my sadness alone... as long as i don't know what i want and what i need... with my melancholy... time passes by anyways... they say the world keeps spinning around and they are right.

i think i now figured out how life works. well, i know that i don't know anything! that i have made some important experiences in my short life and a lot of progress in the last few months but it's nothing compared to other people. but what i have learned is that everything changes. it's all about keeping moving, never resting and being able to let go and to be sincere and keeping moving, one step after another... time will bring you where you want to be.
it is a little sad that we have no control over anything and are incredibly powerless. but life is fun anyways, somehow. don't you think? so much pain and we still love life. don't you?

duality of good

good=god

duality → yinyang => god

yinyang=everything

well

alles ist
zweifellos
anzweifelbar

was nicht passiert

wenn es nicht passiert dann merkst du nicht dass es nicht passiert dass es vielleicht passiert wäre aber ist ja nicht passiert und du wirst niemals wissen ob es passieren hätte können wahrscheinlich nicht denn dann wäre es ja passiert. aber es ist nicht passiert, ist es passiert, ich frage mich, was passiert nicht?

about expressing feelings and other impossible things

i guess the hardest thing for us humans is to express ourselfs. there are thousands of different languages, face expressions, we can gesticulate, well, we do have anything we need to express ourselfs. but. but thoughts can not be caught. can not be taken and given, can not be shown. thoughts can be shared, but only with those who think the same way. i find it so hard to explain. i feel like there were not enough words, like i had not enough voice or breath or space or time.
you won't need many words with those who understand you because they'll get you after half a sentence because they know you, because they think the same way, because they... they'll just get it. they'll get you.
but. but you can't show you can't say you can't explain - do you see my trouble? - i find it so hard. my thoughts are in me and i don't know how to get them out. maybe it's just me. maybe i'm the only one who's not able.
you know, i think a lot. a lot about life and love and energies and maths and the sun and the stars, about infinity. the point is, even more than think i feel. maybe i was wrong. maybe we can express thoughts, but not feelings. not with words in any case.
but we can show our feelings, with a tight hug or a passionate kiss, with a tear or a loving smile.
we all need to be understood.
i wish i could take your hand and let you feel how i feel, just for a moment, i wish we could exchange feelings rather than words.
maybe you and me, we could be able. some day.

Die Wahrheit - über das Schreiben

die wahrheit kann aufgrund unserer verschiedenheit und der unterschiedlichkeit der realitäten in denen jedes individuum sich befindet nicht absolut sein. sogar jeder einzelne selbst nimmt jeden augenblick anders wahr, deshalb finde ich es wichtig, dass wir immer wieder aufschreiben was wir denken, wie wir fühlen, weil in diesem augenblick ist das die realität, und es ist wichtig, dass wir niemals vergessen, was wir einst dachten. wir sind die summe unserer erinnerungen, gefühle, winziger momente, wie unwichtig sie auch sein mögen. wenn wir dann, später, wieder durchlesen was uns vor langer oder auch vor nicht weit zurückliegender zeit durch den kopf ging, verstehen wir uns selbst, und vielleicht auch die welt, ein bisschen besser, denn die wahrheit, nach der jeder strebt, im großen und im kleinen, ist die summe aller wahrheiten in jedem augenblick.
deshalb schreibe ich für mein leben gern, auch unsinniges halte ich fest. aus überzeugung. ich will mich niemals selbst vergessen.
es geht nicht nur um inspiration für andere sondern vor allem um die erinnerung an sich selbst.