an old one about waiting and about hope

only the moment matters 

like a good song
where the tension
slowly grows and you wait
for the beat to drop
to let go off everything
and feel pure happiness
    
so is life
it goes up and down
good things come slowly
it takes time of calm
to freak out        
and then      

only the moment matters

about expressing feelings and other impossible things

i guess the hardest thing for us humans is to express ourselfs. there are thousands of different languages, face expressions, we can gesticulate, well, we do have anything we need to express ourselfs. but. but thoughts can not be caught. can not be taken and given, can not be shown. thoughts can be shared, but only with those who think the same way. i find it so hard to explain. i feel like there were not enough words, like i had not enough voice or breath or space or time.
you won't need many words with those who understand you because they'll get you after half a sentence because they know you, because they think the same way, because they... they'll just get it. they'll get you.
but. but you can't show you can't say you can't explain - do you see my trouble? - i find it so hard. my thoughts are in me and i don't know how to get them out. maybe it's just me. maybe i'm the only one who's not able.
you know, i think a lot. a lot about life and love and energies and maths and the sun and the stars, about infinity. the point is, even more than think i feel. maybe i was wrong. maybe we can express thoughts, but not feelings. not with words in any case.
but we can show our feelings, with a tight hug or a passionate kiss, with a tear or a loving smile.
we all need to be understood.
i wish i could take your hand and let you feel how i feel, just for a moment, i wish we could exchange feelings rather than words.
maybe you and me, we could be able. some day.

Wenn Hoffnungen zu groß werden

wenn hoffnungen zu groß werden, werden sie gefährlich.
wenn wir zu sehr daran festhalten, die enttäuschung unerträglich.
unsere träume halten uns am leben, geben uns die kraft zum atmen, aber irgendwann gehen wir daran zugrunde, weil wir es leid sind, uns täglich die gleichen bilder ins gedächtnis zu rufen und uns daran zu erinnern, dass es wichtig ist, daran zu glauben.
irgendwann vergessen wir, wofür wir kämpfen, wenn kein teil davon in sicht ist.
atmen müssen wir trotzdem.
manchmal werden hoffnungen zu groß, werden zu illusionen. es ist tatsächlich weit schwerer, realität von wunschvorstellungen zu trennen, als man uns vorgaukelt. wir sehen die welt nicht objektiv. wir sind verstrickt in einen netz aus verworrenen ansichten, von unserem eigenen gehirn gesponnen.
ach, was hat es für einen sinn. ich will die augen schließen und wieder öffnen, kurz blinzeln, und den schleier so vertreiben.

braucht diese welt dich?

braucht die welt
dieses gedicht
braucht die welt
diese strophe, diesen vers
braucht die welt
meine gedanken, meine worte,
will sie hören
wie ich die melodie meines herzens leise
leise vor mich hinsinge?

schritte
auf frischem schnee, auf staubiger erde
hinterlassen spuren
nicht bedeutungslos für den, der einen weg sucht
lange keinen findet
sich verirrt
deinen schritten kurz folgt
um etwas zu verstehen, was er nicht zu ignorieren geglaubt hat,
etwas zu finden, was er nicht zu suchen geglaubt hat.

fragst du dich auch oft
braucht die welt
ein weiteres gedicht
braucht die welt
diese strophe, diesen vers
braucht die welt
meine gedanken, meine worte,
will sie hören
wie ich die melodie meines herzens leise
leise vor mich hinsinge?

ich sage
schritte
auf frischem schnee, auf staubiger erde
hinterlassen ihre spuren nicht grundlos.

waking up

i hate to sleep. i hate the loss of consciousness. it's a daily excercise of dying. a daily excercise of letting go. and falling in to a dark hole of fearful weirdness.
well, i actually hate falling asleep more than sleeping. at least when you're asleep you discover your secret places, make weird journeys, you move in another dimension wich is exciting! your soul is resting, while your brain continues his work in a very free way. but lying in bed waiting for your eyes to finally close sucks. the more does the fear of the thoughts that may overcome. i know, it's probably my fault. nontheless as it seems my soul doesn't really want to rest.
because i'm too curious. i don't want to sleep, i want to see, to think, to understand. i want to live, i don't want to lose any time. sometimes i love to sleep, because i feel the urge to forget everything for a few hours, to forget to think, so i can let go this everlasting nervousness.
but i love to wake up. to a very fresh morning, a brand new day, you see the sun fighting against the clouds? an invitation to hope, an opportunity to start over again! a riminder to how damn lucky we are are and a demand to enjoy it.
#bethankful

the measurement of the sky. a praise to the perfection of the big picture and the calmness of nature

I don't always get the magnitude of the universe and the measurement of the sky, but when I do, I get confused about how mind-blowing the simplicity of the infinite blackness of the roof lining we're living under is. those pretty little lights hovering in the perfect darkness won't give me a sense of smallness or pettiness any longer, because when I look into this canopy holding us safe I realize  how miraculous this is and if it is not all imaginary, if we are really here, which I'm not always so sure about because it still feels unreal, even though in all this years I've done nothing but inhabiting this wonderful place we call earth and I can’t think of another thing to do, I still just can't believe it, for that is not self-evident at all. If it is not all imaginary, I was saying, then, I'm sure, there has to be a reason for it. Not only for it to exist, but also for us to exist, and I have not even come close to understanding what kind of reason this could be, but I don’t really think it is so important to know. There surely has to be a reason we, you!, are having this unique opportunity to simply breath the fresh air on a cold winter night, or just to feel the heat of the sun on our salty skin while we're feeling the warmth of the sand under our calm fingers... but all that counts is, whatever it is why we are here, that we never forget for even a second that even if it feels so natural, we don’t have to forget to be thankful for just one second. While we're just trying to figure out our nonsense struggles and problems in life, caring and worrying about things that are not even worth one single stupid thought, the world just keeps spinning around. If you want to learn how to be really happy, you just got to admire nature and feel the calmness of all the creatures and living beings as well as of not living beings and you'll realize that to be happy you don't need anything but to observe the greatness and perfection of the big picture. That's it. When I look up in the sky, I feel like every of this words is totally useless, futile and superfluous, because all you got to do is to open your eyes and let the beauty take possession of your heart and soul.

everything is supposed to be how it turns out to be

ich bin süchitg nach kaffee, zigaretten, musik und dem bittersüßen geschmack von liebe... jeden tag stehe ich auf und erkenne wieder und wieder, dass alles so ist, wie es sein sollte. jeder tag, jeder moment ist eine einladung, die einzigartige chance zu wachsen. wir können mehr sein als nur schatten in der nacht. gemeinsam können wir mehr sein... wenn wir unsere ganze hoffnung in die grenzenlosigkeit des himmels stecken, können wir weit mehr sein.
ich bin süchtig nach leben.