a little sad

i would like to be at home right now. if i'd know where i'm at home...
i would like so much to feel at home... no matter where, no matter with who.
but i'm not
i don't.
where do i belong? let's blow out all the candles and forget about everything for a while...
i'm tired of thinking, of being where i am and not being able to be happy with what i have right now... i don't want this feelings anymore, i wish i could accept life the way it is...

i guess i have to handle with my sadness alone... as long as i don't know what i want and what i need... with my melancholy... time passes by anyways... they say the world keeps spinning around and they are right.

i think i now figured out how life works. well, i know that i don't know anything! that i have made some important experiences in my short life and a lot of progress in the last few months but it's nothing compared to other people. but what i have learned is that everything changes. it's all about keeping moving, never resting and being able to let go and to be sincere and keeping moving, one step after another... time will bring you where you want to be.
it is a little sad that we have no control over anything and are incredibly powerless. but life is fun anyways, somehow. don't you think? so much pain and we still love life. don't you?

duality of good

good=god

duality → yinyang => god

yinyang=everything

i just wanna feel

you know what? it's just that i don't want this kind of life. i want to live freely and light and i wanna feel. i just wanna feel.

(i) go with it

close your eyes.
closeyoureyes!
close... your eyes....
and FEEL it.
feel it,
it explodes...!
atommolecularelysmall.
and it drops OUT
and it kicks IN
and you gotta....? uh!
let yourself fall...
forget everything!
oh it expands
it still swells
oh it contracts,
EXPLODES
dilutes...
(i) go with it

well

alles ist
zweifellos
anzweifelbar

was nicht passiert

wenn es nicht passiert dann merkst du nicht dass es nicht passiert dass es vielleicht passiert wäre aber ist ja nicht passiert und du wirst niemals wissen ob es passieren hätte können wahrscheinlich nicht denn dann wäre es ja passiert. aber es ist nicht passiert, ist es passiert, ich frage mich, was passiert nicht?

about expressing feelings and other impossible things

i guess the hardest thing for us humans is to express ourselfs. there are thousands of different languages, face expressions, we can gesticulate, well, we do have anything we need to express ourselfs. but. but thoughts can not be caught. can not be taken and given, can not be shown. thoughts can be shared, but only with those who think the same way. i find it so hard to explain. i feel like there were not enough words, like i had not enough voice or breath or space or time.
you won't need many words with those who understand you because they'll get you after half a sentence because they know you, because they think the same way, because they... they'll just get it. they'll get you.
but. but you can't show you can't say you can't explain - do you see my trouble? - i find it so hard. my thoughts are in me and i don't know how to get them out. maybe it's just me. maybe i'm the only one who's not able.
you know, i think a lot. a lot about life and love and energies and maths and the sun and the stars, about infinity. the point is, even more than think i feel. maybe i was wrong. maybe we can express thoughts, but not feelings. not with words in any case.
but we can show our feelings, with a tight hug or a passionate kiss, with a tear or a loving smile.
we all need to be understood.
i wish i could take your hand and let you feel how i feel, just for a moment, i wish we could exchange feelings rather than words.
maybe you and me, we could be able. some day.

sometimes i really feel just like the little child i am. a restless one for sure, and no longer so innocent. with huge steps i'm reaching the age in which there are no excuses anymore. i guess i'm okay with that. i just need to know that you understand me, i'm not sure you ever could.
i am thankful for the ones in my life that always do.

my smile is not yours anymore

unbelievable that i believed you that i believed we could work it out how stupid you have been to think you could use me and then throw me away well we had some fun but you just went away and left me alone, but i'm far too strong i guess you'll come back or maybe not i don't care just don't expect me to be there waiting for you ha! let me laugh about you a little first and then we'll see... i may be a little too narcissistic but you gotta get that you're the lucky one if you're allowed to touch my lips remember i never forget. you better come up with a good excuse or i'll turn my back on you and give my smile to someone else.
i already did

why we die

do you ever get that weird feeling when you're looking up to the black sky full of stars that this eternal beauty repays even death? i swear i wouldn't mind if my soul flied there, i wouldn't care if this would kill me. even now.
life brings us to the the darkest places but by the day of birth we get this one guarantee: the sky and the stars, a promise that there is something more, something beyond what we can imagine. it enlightens our souls and i swear, i swear i don't care that this is what will kill us. i really came to the conviction that we die just because we can't stand this beauty. not forever.